Four Ways to Feel Angry Less

So as I previously posted, I had spoken about mom anger at a MOPS group last month.  I thought I should take the time to share a bit of what I shared with that group.

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know that I’ve struggled with controlling my responses towards my kids when I’m angry.  Over the years, through trial and error, lots of practice with anger management techniques, and lots of help from the Holy Spirit, I’ve definitely improved.  But along the way I’ve also learned that there are proactive things I can do to help me feel angry less often.

Here are four things you can do to stop angry feelings before they start:

  • Understand Your Anger

Look at your anger as a warning light.  It can be an indicator of changes you need to make.  Ask yourself two questions:  “Are there underlying emotions or stresses in my life that cause me to feel angry?” and, “Are there certain situations or circumstances that tend to trigger my angry feelings?”.  If you track your angry feelings over a period of time, you will likely find common triggers for your anger.  Once you know the triggers, then you can focus on making changes that will prevent or decrease your triggers and result in less anger.

  • Make Time for Self-care

Mothering can be tough and can push you to the limit of your physical, emotional, and mental energy.  If you are feeling empty it is so much easier to act out in anger.  Be sure you are taking time to care for yourself.  Determine what revives and refreshes you, and do it!  Investing in your self-care not only benefits you, but it benefits your family as well.

  • Get Perspective and Support from Friends

Friendships can help you on this journey in so many ways!  Having some deep and authentic friendships gives perspective, support, accountability, and encouragement.  Sometimes your expectations of yourself or your kids are too high, leading to frustration and anger.  Friends can provide perspective.  Friends can support you by praying for you and by holding you accountable for your responses.  Sometimes a hug and word of encouragement from a friend can take you a step further to healing.

  • Seek God in Your Weakness

Struggles can be an avenue for growing faith in God.  Nehemiah 9:17 says, “…you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.”  Getting to know God better and growing closer to Him brings change in our lives because we become more like him.

If you struggle with anger, know that you are not alone.  You are not outside the limits of God’s love, and He can bring change in you.

Tell me, have you struggled with anger as a mom?  What are your best tips for feeling angry less and also for managing your responses when you’re angry?

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His mercies are new every morning.

So today I spoke at a local MOPS group about anger.

You guys, I can’t even tell you what an amazing God we have.

There was a mom there who I felt was the reason I was there.  I could just tell by the look in her eyes and some of her comments that she is where I was years ago.

Prone to anger and wondering how she became an angry mom.  Asking herself and God why controlling herself when she feels angry is so hard.  Feeling like a failure as a mom.  Filled with guilt.  Probably shame.  Hoping against all hope that she hasn’t messed up her kids too badly.

But God.  God was there in that room with us.  By the grace of God alone have I been changed, and by the grace of God alone am I able to share my story.  And it’s not just my story, but it’s really His story.

A story of grace, mercy, forgiveness, love – beyond explanation.

I shared lots of practical tips.  But that’s not the important part. The important part I shared is that if as a mom you struggle with anger – you are not alone.  And there is hope for change.

That hope comes from God alone.  Nehemiah 9:17 says “…you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.”

Any change in me has come from getting to know and understand and FEEL and accept God’s love for me.

He is forgiving,

gracious,

compassionate,

slow to anger,

abounding in love.

When we get closer to Him, we become like Him.  We can become forgiving, gracious, compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love for our kids.

I have struggled with anger – which led to guilt and then depression – for years.  I would make imperfect progress, but it was so, so slow.  At times I couldn’t understand why God wasn’t bringing the change in me that I hoped for.  The thing was that this struggle was more about my growing in my relationship with Him than it was about my relationship with my kids.

And all of the sudden this year, I feel like the “morning” has come and the dark cloud of night is gone.  God’s mercy is new.  For the first time in probably 12 years I feel like I have a measure of victory – all because of Him.  And I say that knowing full well that I still need to rely on Him every moment.  I can’t explain His process well – but I know my part in it was seeking Him over and over again, not giving up, and continuing to surrender myself to His will.

And today I’m just amazed at His mercy, grace, and faithfulness to me.  Over the years I have always stood on Romans 8:28-29, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”  I didn’t know how God would use this struggle for good, but I trusted.

All along as I’ve made slow progress in this area, I’ve known that He was pulling me closer and making me more like Jesus, as it says in verse 29.  But seeing Him today use my struggle to encourage and point someone else toward Him was more beautiful than I could ever ask for.

God is so good.

*things I don’t want to forget*

God has been working in my life and in my heart lately.  I’ve heard a whole bunch of things from other people, and from Him, that I don’t want to forget. 

So I’m listing them here in case it’s something YOU need to hear as well.

  • I need to serve and worship God not in spite of my circumstances and weaknesses, but rather, through them.
  • I need to remember to Prepare the way.
  • I need to allow the Holy Spirit to fill me up to overflowing. 
  • God’s power is available to me!  The same power He used to raise Christ from the dead.  How Amazing is that??  (Ephesians 1:18-21 – I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,  and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms… and Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.)
  • When a child’s behavior is the most repelling to me, that is when I need to draw the closest.
  • Anger crushes a child’s feelings.
  • Birth is messy.  Every birth story is different.  It is a fitting analogy to the transforming work God does for us when we are “born again”.  We need to share the story with others and be open about the mess!  (Thanks to the MOPS Leadership Summit and Jonalyn Fincher for this revelation!)
  • A child expressing his or her feelings does not mean they’re blaming me! Don’t take it personally.
  • God is not finished with me and he won’t give up on me! (Philippians 1:6 – being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.)
  • I can count on God’s mercy and I need to remember to show it to others.  (Lamentations 3:22-23 – Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” )
  • And lastly, sometimes I wonder what God really expects of me.  As I was wondering this morning, I remembered this verse –  Micah 6:8 – He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.   And what does the LORD require of you?   To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

 Now I want to hear from you!  What has God been teaching you lately?