that is the question.
My 20th high school reunion is in 2 months and I can’t decide if I am going to go.
I really think of myself as a pretty confident person. In most settings and circumstances, I really don’t care much what other people think of me.
But when I think of going to this reunion, I get all weak-kneed and sweaty-palmed and wonder why I would want to put myself through this.
I think those who were part of the “in crowd” in school don’t have this problem. But as I’ve mentioned before – I wasn’t. I was a bit of a, ahem, geek. And for the most part, that was ok with me. I was overweight and when I was young I think I figured if I couldn’t be the prettiest, I’d just be the smartest. But I’ve learned that vanity by a different name is still vanity.
And now I’m anxious about the thought of being in a room with all those people.
The boy that in 7th grade sat next to me in band and made fun of me for being overweight. The group of “friends” that I so desperately wanted to be a part of, but who made me feel at every turn like I wasn’t really good enough.
But on the other hand, I was not perfect either. Do I really want to see the girl that I gossiped about and hurt her feelings? Do I want to see the boy that I thought I was just friends with but then he surprised me with inviting me to the prom and I had to say no?
What is it about this that brings me right back to those feelings of insecurity that I felt then? It was so loooong ago. Shouldn’t I have gotten past this?
(is this normal???)
But I guess those childhood wounds are hard to heal. And when you leave high school, or at least when I did, you leave those people behind and they are forever – to you – the way they were. You don’t have the opportunity to see them grow and change.
But we all do grow and change. I am a better version of myself now than I was then. And maybe I just need to remember that probably most of them are, too.
So will I go?
I’m still not sure. There are a few people who I really would like to see.
That may be just enough to get me there.