to go or not to go…

that is the question.

My 20th high school reunion is in 2 months and I can’t decide if I am going to go.

I really think of myself as a pretty confident person.  In most settings and circumstances, I really don’t care much what other people think of me.

But when I think of going to this reunion, I get all weak-kneed and sweaty-palmed and wonder why I would want to put myself through this.

I think those who were part of the “in crowd” in school don’t have this problem.  But as I’ve mentioned before – I wasn’t.  I was a bit of a, ahem, geek.  And for the most part, that was ok with me.  I was overweight and when I was young I think I figured if I couldn’t be the prettiest, I’d just be the smartest.  But I’ve learned that vanity by a different name is still vanity.

And now I’m anxious about the thought of being in a room with all those people.

The boy that in 7th grade sat next to me in band and made fun of me for being overweight.  The group of “friends” that I so desperately wanted to be a part of, but who made me feel at every turn like I wasn’t really good enough.

But on the other hand, I was not perfect either.  Do I really want to see the girl that I gossiped about and hurt her feelings?  Do I want to see the boy that I thought I was just friends with but then he surprised me with inviting me to the prom and I had to say no?

What is it about this that brings me right back to those feelings of insecurity that I felt then?  It was so loooong ago.  Shouldn’t I have gotten past this? 

(is this normal???)

But I guess those childhood wounds are hard to heal.  And when you leave high school, or at least when I did, you leave those people behind and they are forever – to you – the way they were.  You don’t have the opportunity to see them grow and change. 

But we all do grow and change.  I am a better version of myself now than I was then.  And maybe I just need to remember that probably most of them are, too.

So will I go?

I’m still not sure.  There are a few people who I really would like to see. 

That may be just enough to get me there.

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3 thoughts on “to go or not to go…

  1. I COMPLETELY understand how you feel Steph. I chose not to go to my 10 year reunion for that very reason. Why go hang around the people who didn’t like me then? They may have changed for the better, but I’m not sure I want to find out…..

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