I totally Aced Differential Equations, or My Current Identity Crisis

Ha, and you all thought I was talking about a new Facebook game.

Nope, Differential Equations was a fun math course I took in college.  I think it came after several levels of calculus, or something.  Anyways, I got an A.

When we moved last summer, I cleaned out some boxes that were in our attic collecting dust.  Twentyorso one or two of them contained old high school, college, and master’s degree stuff.  (Did I ever mention I’m a bit of a pack rat?)  Actually I was keeping them in case my kids ever need help and I needed my notes to re-aquaint myself with the subject.  Really.  I can’t make this stuff up.  That’s how whacked I am.

So on with my story… I found a folder from my Differential Equations (aka in college-speak DiffEQ) class.  And you know what?  I can’t for the life of me figure out what DiffEQ is.  Or what it is used for.  Or why on God’s green earth I needed to take the class.  My husband tells me he knows why, and he actually uses it at work- but I’m not sure I believe him.  (Isn’t that what computers are for these days??).  But I got an A in it.  And I was awfully proud of myself back then (heck, I still am). 

But these days my current challenges consist of solving riddles like  “if I was a sippy cup where would I be?”, “what is the best way to keep a child from having a big ol’ tantrum in front of bazillions of people in a crowded restaurant?”, and “how do I keep two children from screamingkickingandhitting each other alldaylong?”.  You might say I’m in a bit of an identity crisis.  How did I get from an A in DiffEQ to here?

How did I get from the career-minded earlytwentysomething to the stay-at-home thirty-something mom of three (totally awesome) kids?

Well, I think it all boils down to me listening to God.  If you had asked me in 2000, when I was pregnant with my first child, I would never have guessed that I’d be a stay-at-home mom.  Never.  But here I am. 

Going back farther, if you’d have asked me in college if I wanted to have three kids, I’d have given you a resounding “are you crazy?”.  I never really liked the little buggers, until I had them.  But here I am.  A stay-at-home mom who knows that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.  Where God wants me.

I always was more comfortable with facts, figures, lists… anything concrete.  Motherhood is far from that.  Sometimes I feel lost in relationships and feelings and kids that are far less controllable than differential equations.  I wonder if anyone would give me an A in motherhood?

I have my days when I miss feeling like I know it all – confident and good at my job.  These days I often feel like I am totally unequipped for this job.  And even when I do momentarily think I’ve got something figured out – everything changes.  But I love it. 

And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God has brought me.  To be the mom to these three kids… not distracted by facts, figures, and other problems the workworld can come up with.  This job keeps me coming back to Him – the answer to all of life’s problems – on a minute by minute basis.  When I was working, I was good at my job without relying on Him.  In the job of motherhood, I need to be on my knees daily.  And it constantly challenges me to be a better person – to develop those people and relationship skills that don’t come as naturally to me. 

As I look back, it’s not hard to see why God wanted me here.  Right here, and right now.  And knowing that is what keeps me at peace.  Even when I wonder what happened to the me that got an A in DiffEQ.

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