on the offensive against defensive
Twice this week I’ve been in contact with women who have made some very different mothering choices than mine. My initial reaction was to feel like – if her choices are “right”, then she must think mine are “wrong”.
What is it about other women’s mothering choices that makes us defensive?
Don’t get me wrong, in neither of these cases did the women say my choices were bad. But in my own mind, it seemed implied. Like I was “less” of a mom because I made a different choice. Ever been there?
I’m pretty sure you have at some point. It could be over any number of topics – how you discipline, working outside the home, what you feed your kids, whether or not you homeschool – whatever.
So my natural reaction was to defend my choices (in my mind, of course). To start listing all the reasons why my choice is the right one. And I think this is what starts the “mommy wars” – you know, the historical “taking sides” on issues like working outside the home.
But after I thought and thought about this, I decided maybe I needed to step back and see what lessons I could learn instead. Not only what lessons I could learn from these moms in order to become a better mom, but also what lessons I could learn in communicating / responding to moms who have made different choices.
Each of us want to be the best mom we possibly can. No one wants to feel judged, and I certainly don’t ever want to make another mom feel “less” because of her choices.
So here are my tips to go on the offensive against automatically being defensive when discussing mothering issues with a mom who may not have made the same choice as you:
- First recognize God’s sovereignty. Isn’t it possible that both mothering choices, in whatever context, can be “right”? After all, our families are different. We are different. And if God can make everyone completely unique, can’t he make our choices completely unique, and yet right for us? Acknowledge that although you may feel strongly about something, God does not lead us all down the same paths. What is right for me may not be right for her and vice versa.
- Analyze why I’m defensive. I need to ask myself whether or not my choice was in fact God’s will for me and my family at that time. If I made the choice without consulting Him, it’s very possible I could have made the wrong choice – and maybe that’s why I’m feeling defensive. On the other hand, if I’m certain it was God’s will for me, then the defensiveness is just a knee-jerk reaction and I need to move on. (Don’t know if it was God’s will for you? Just ask Him – and be persistent in asking!) Then I need to ask God if the choice I made is STILL His will for me and my family NOW. I think God can lead us in different directions at different times in our lives. What may be right for our families now may not be right next year. Things change and God will reveal that to us if we remember to acknowledge Him.
- Keep an open mind. Instead of feeling defensive about something and totally dismissing it, consider whether or not I might learn something from this other mom. Can I improve my own mothering by taking some tips from her? I strongly believe that God puts women in our lives that we can learn from. For example, maybe she doesn’t believe in spanking, but you do. She probably isn’t going to change your mind, but is there a different discipline technique that she uses successfully that you could add to your repertoire?
- Be careful about what I say and how I say it. If we say “my way is the right way” and don’t acknowledge God’s sovereignty in her life, we are removing any chance of learning from one another. My rule for myself – particularly when I talk about my choice to stay home with my kids – is to offer my story ONLY when asked specifically for it or when the woman I’m talking to has expressed that she is feeling confused in that area and I think my story might help.
So that’s what I’ve come up with. I think I can boil it down to this: remember God is in control, be sure I’m following Him, be gracious, and be open to learning!
If anyone else has tips, I’d love to hear them!
My Debut
Have you ever heard of Hearts At Home?
It’s a “Christ-centered organization that encourages, educates, and equips women in the profession of motherhood” (from their mission statement). You should check it out!
(And not only because I’ve been asked to guest-post on their blog. (You wanna see it, don’t you? go here). I am honored to in some small way be a part of this fabulous ministry!)
My first encounter with Hearts at Home was when I picked out a book from our MOPS library called “Professionalizing Motherhood”. It was shortly after I stopped working to be a stay-at-home-mom. This book was a blessing to me because it gave me a sense of purpose in my mothering – something that was lacking when I said goodbye to my work-outside-the-home days.
So click on one of the links above and see what awesome resources might be of help to you!!
Encouragement For You, Mom…
I have been noticing lately how so many of my mom friends and acquaintances are in need of encouragement. We often work tirelessly for our families and are not encouraged as much as we need to be! I wrote this and shared it with my MOPS group at our meeting Tuesday… I thought some of you might need to hear it, too!
Encouragement for You, Mom!
To the mom who is…
Feeling lonely… look around, there are women here who understand what you’re going through.
Exhausted… ask for help, you’ll get through it!
Feeling unloved… your children certainly love you. And God loves you with an everlasting love.
Doubting herself… trust your instincts! God chose you as the mother for your kids, and He doesn’t make mistakes!
Grieving… reach out to others and look to God for comfort.
Feeling like nothing you do matters… remember that motherhood is a sacred trust from God. What you’re doing matters – to your kids and to Him.
Overwhelmed… take it one day at a time. You can do it!
Feeling like a failure… being a mom is a tough job with no instruction manual. Give yourself a break! Tomorrow is a new day.
Unappreciated… I say thank you to you, for your kids and husband. You ARE making a difference. Better moms make a better world.
And Thank God that He is always with us, noticing what we’re doing, and is ready to encourage us when we turn to Him! Read these following Bible verses… God’s encouragement to us!
To the mom who is…
Feeling lonely… Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Exhausted… Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Feeling unloved… Psalm 36:5 “Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.”
Doubting herself… Isaiah 40:11 “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”
Grieving… Psalm 30:5 “…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
Feeling like nothing you do matters… Psalm 138:8 “The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.”
Overwhelmed… 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
Feeling like a failure… Lamentations 3:22-23 “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Unappreciated… Isaiah 49:4 “But I said, “I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing. Yet what is due me is in the LORD’s hand, and my reward is with my God.”
Bittersweet Back-to-School
For about 30-some years of my life, I excitedly anticipated the arrival of fall. I was (maybe still am?) a total nerd growing up, so I loved back-to-school time.
Cooler weather,
new clothes,
a return to routine,
new school supplies,
beautiful landscapes,
the anticipation of what lay ahead.
I find these days that the approach of fall is a bittersweet time for me. Yes, I enjoy all of the above (only now the new school clothes & supplies are for my kids 
). But I also feel
time slipping away fast,
a countdown to my kids leaving our household,
like maybe I haven’t used these years with them wisely,
like I haven’t done as good a mothering job as I would have liked,
a sadness that they are growing so fast,
a wistfulness about their infant years.
(Gosh, you’d think I’m sending them off to college…)
As moms, we are preparing our children to be independent. Preparing them to not need us. Who knew it would be this hard?
Why are we moms always wishing the time away??
I was talking to some friends yesterday about kid’s milestones – and how we look forward to the next step so much. You know – crawling, walking, feeding themselves, talking, etcetera and etcetera.
It occurred to me that I spend a lot of time waiting for that next milestone… for my youngest right now it’s talking.
But I also realized, from being through this with two other kids, that once it happens, there will be times that I look back on “now” and wish we were here again.
I’ll give you an example… when my firstborn was about two months old, someone at church told me “these are the best times – enjoy them!” I thought this woman was crazy. I wasn’t getting any sleep! (and I likes me some sleep!) I was desperately wishing for my baby to sleep through the night!! But now I know exactly what that woman meant. When I look back on that time, it is so precious.
So why is it so hard to live in the present? To fully enjoy each day without wishing for the next?
I like to think I’m a little better at it with my third child than I was with the first. That perspective of knowing how fast 0 – 8 goes is priceless. But I still want to be better at living in the moment. Lord, help me!!
I’m going to try to use this verse – John 10:10 – to remind myself that Jesus intends us to live fully. Which I take to mean living fully in the “present” that He gives us.
John 10:10
“…I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
What about you… do you have any tips to help me live fully in the present?
TTAH Tuesday – Get out of the House…
on time!
I’m kind of particular when it comes to being prompt. I hate to be late. Not that I’m saying I never am… I’m just saying I don’t like it. It was so much easier to be on-time when I was the only one I had to be responsible for, you know?
Frankly, it’s one of the things that I’ve had to give up getting all uptight about since having kids. I still try to be on-time, because I think it shows respect for whomever you’re meeting with, but I try not to stress out about it. Things happen with kids. Poopy diapers. Keys locked inside the house (yes, it’s happened a couple of times to me!). Someone not feeling well. Can’t find a shoe. Whatever it is, it’s better not to get uptight. Stressing about it usually only causes my kids to be upset and drag their feet.
So here are a few tips for getting out the door, with kids, on time:
- Get everything ready and where it needs to be the night before. I get the kids’ clothes (and mine) laid out the night before. I prepare the coffee and get stuff out for breakfast. The kids’ backpacks are ready by the door. I haven’t gone so far as to have lunches packed, yet, but I think that’s my next step.
- Wake up early. I’ve posted about this before, but I’ll say it again. Waking up early, allowing myself to have a shower, breakfast, coffee, and prayer time is essential for me. It gets my head and heart in the right frame of mind for when my kiddos get out of bed.
- Have a ritual or list of things for the kids to do in the morning. You know, eat, get dressed, brush hair and teeth, etc. Do it the same every morning. Eventually their little minds and bodies will naturally know what comes next. This doesn’t guarantee they won’t whine, complain, or dig in their feet, but at least they’ll know what it is that they’re supposed to be doing. If you have a particularly difficult time with a child, read this post.
- Division of labor. If your significant other is also home in the mornings, decide ahead of time who’s going to do what – and stick with it, every morning. That way you’re not getting in each other’s ways and there’s no misunderstandings (e.g., “ What? Buford doesn’t have any lunch? I thought you were taking care of that!”)
- Make sure you’ve left plenty of time. Believe me, I know how easy it is to underestimate the time it takes to get kids ready. Just getting them bundled up in the wintertime can take an extra 15 minutes! So plan ahead and leave plenty of time for the usual stuff to happen, and maybe put extra in there for the surprises.
- Post a list of the day of the week and what you need to remember for school. There’s so much to remember – Monday the kids need money for chapel, Thursday they need to remember their library books, etc. I read once a suggestion to make a doorknob hanger with this stuff on it so you can check it on your way out the door. I haven’t done it yet – but I’m going to.
- Oops – I forgot this one in the original post & I’m adding it now. Do not, I repeat, do not allow TV in the mornings before school. It wastes time. It shifts their focus from getting ready to acting like vegetables. Then when it’s time to go, they complain about having to turn off the show. Argh. Trust me, save yourself the headache and make this a rule at your home!
I’m always ready to learn something new! I’d love to hear any of your suggestions / tips / tricks on how to get out the door on time. Post ‘em in the comments, please!!
I totally Aced Differential Equations, or My Current Identity Crisis
Ha, and you all thought I was talking about a new Facebook game.
Nope, Differential Equations was a fun math course I took in college. I think it came after several levels of calculus, or something. Anyways, I got an A.
When we moved last summer, I cleaned out some boxes that were in our attic collecting dust. Twentyorso one or two of them contained old high school, college, and master’s degree stuff. (Did I ever mention I’m a bit of a pack rat?) Actually I was keeping them in case my kids ever need help and I needed my notes to re-aquaint myself with the subject. Really. I can’t make this stuff up. That’s how whacked I am.
So on with my story… I found a folder from my Differential Equations (aka in college-speak DiffEQ) class. And you know what? I can’t for the life of me figure out what DiffEQ is. Or what it is used for. Or why on God’s green earth I needed to take the class. My husband tells me he knows why, and he actually uses it at work- but I’m not sure I believe him. (Isn’t that what computers are for these days??). But I got an A in it. And I was awfully proud of myself back then (heck, I still am).
But these days my current challenges consist of solving riddles like ”if I was a sippy cup where would I be?”, “what is the best way to keep a child from having a big ol’ tantrum in front of bazillions of people in a crowded restaurant?”, and “how do I keep two children from screamingkickingandhitting each other alldaylong?”. You might say I’m in a bit of an identity crisis. How did I get from an A in DiffEQ to here?
How did I get from the career-minded earlytwentysomething to the stay-at-home thirty-something mom of three (totally awesome) kids?
Well, I think it all boils down to me listening to God. If you had asked me in 2000, when I was pregnant with my first child, I would never have guessed that I’d be a stay-at-home mom. Never. But here I am.
Going back farther, if you’d have asked me in college if I wanted to have three kids, I’d have given you a resounding “are you crazy?”. I never really liked the little buggers, until I had them. But here I am. A stay-at-home mom who knows that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Where God wants me.
I always was more comfortable with facts, figures, lists… anything concrete. Motherhood is far from that. Sometimes I feel lost in relationships and feelings and kids that are far less controllable than differential equations. I wonder if anyone would give me an A in motherhood?
I have my days when I miss feeling like I know it all – confident and good at my job. These days I often feel like I am totally unequipped for this job. And even when I do momentarily think I’ve got something figured out – everything changes. But I love it.
And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God has brought me. To be the mom to these three kids… not distracted by facts, figures, and other problems the workworld can come up with. This job keeps me coming back to Him – the answer to all of life’s problems – on a minute by minute basis. When I was working, I was good at my job without relying on Him. In the job of motherhood, I need to be on my knees daily. And it constantly challenges me to be a better person – to develop those people and relationship skills that don’t come as naturally to me.
As I look back, it’s not hard to see why God wanted me here. Right here, and right now. And knowing that is what keeps me at peace. Even when I wonder what happened to the me that got an A in DiffEQ.
Some good stuff from my blogging friends…
There have been a couple of fabulous posts from my blogging friends lately. Enjoy these…
A great New Year’s tip from a MOPS mentor.
and
Some misery (sorry, Pamela) and inspiration from a fellow mommy that will have you nodding your head in agreement, saying “been there, done that”, thinking I’ll cross that finish line, too and just plain laughing hard. (hint: go pee now so there’s no accidents. Really, it’s that good.)
Have a great “Back to School” Monday!
P.S. Read any good blog posts lately? Comment and share them with us!
What else??
Yesterday morning began with a bang. Or rather with a slosh.
I went downstairs in the basement to throw a pair of wet snowpants in the dryer, and a few steps into the basement I heard my feet sloshing. Mind you, we have carpeting in the basement. Not good.
Sunday evening my husband had unplugged the humidifier that is attached to the furnace. We’d been getting some condensation on the windows so we figured we didn’t really need the humidification. This is the first time we’ve ever had a humidifier, so what did we know?
As it turns out, if you want to turn off the humidifier, you’d better also turn off the water going to it, because if you don’t, you end up with a very wet and soggy problem.
To top it off, all of our Christmas presents were conveniently hidden on the floor right next to the furnace. Yep, the presents. All of them. About a third of them already wrapped.
Nothing got ruined, but it’s obvious by the warped packaging that they’ve gotten wet. Which leads us to a very serious problem. What do you tell the children who are supposed to be getting these very soggy presents from Santa? The same kids who also know we had flooding in the basement and heard mom tell Dad’s work voicemail in a panic that the presents were all wet? Hmmm. I tell you, I’ve been working up every angle in my mind. Could I tell them that Santa dropped them in the snow and they got wet, just like the ones from mom and dad that got wet in the basement? Will my seven-year old believe that???
So I’ve got to come up with something. And I’ve got more wrapping to do.
OK. Then on to the next thing.
This morning, my 5-year old and 1-year old were playing. Then they got quiet. You know the quiet. The quiet that once you realize it, strikes terror in your heart.
My 5-year old was giving the one-year old a haircut. With nose-hair scissors. Yes, they are sharp enough. Smart mommy hides the real scissors. I’d never expected that these would be used for misbehavior. (You can’t get anything past the little buzzards, really.) The upside of all this? The little one has so much hair already that you can’t really tell that some is missing.
Then,
after a particularly rotten last 24 hours, I had to run an errand, so I thought I’d take the kids through a drive-thru for lunch. And I told them so. They were excited. So we all got in the car. I scraped the windshield and then proceeded to break the windshield wiper. AWESOME. So ensued a good half hour of whining and crying.
I’m sure someday I’ll look back and laugh at this. But I’m not laughing now. I’m just wondering what else is going to go wrong!
Remember When…
Christmas decorating was actually fun??
I’ve always loved the Christmas season – filled with cookie-making, shopping for the perfect gift, awesome music, decorating, and I love, love, love when the ground & trees are covered with a blanket of snow and flakes are softly falling…
ok, back to reality…
I still look forward to decorating every year. But I could do with a little less of this:
L: “He picked the nativity scene? I wanted to do it!” (picture crossed arms, pouty lips, complete with a major whine)
Me: “Well, why don’t we each do a couple of pieces.”
D and L: “I want… I want… She can’t have… Why does he always get to… She hit me…” (and on and on)
Me: “OK, let’s put up the stockings now.”
L: “I want mine to be next to A’s.”
D: “No, I want mine to be next to A’s. But not next to L’s.”
Me: “OK, we’ll put A in between the two of you.” (this appeased them for about 2 seconds, until they realized this meant that they wouldn’t each get their favorite stocking holder, because Mom wants the stocking holders in a particular order – I can be picky, too.)
A: “uh, uh, uh” (that means give me that or I’ll scream)
Dad: snoring on the couch
D: “Can I go get something else out of the box?” (I’d told them that they could get one thing at a time and take turns… I thought it would cut down on the bickering. Ha.)
L: “No, it’s my turn… you just got something.” (Who said less bickering??)
And a few minutes later…
L: “Mom, D dumped out my decoration and he’s not putting his boxes away. D, you better put your boxes back.” (Thank you, my firstborn bossypants tattler.)
And me, by the end of the day: Ahhh, where is that wine?
