on the offensive against defensive
Twice this week I’ve been in contact with women who have made some very different mothering choices than mine. My initial reaction was to feel like – if her choices are “right”, then she must think mine are “wrong”.
What is it about other women’s mothering choices that makes us defensive?
Don’t get me wrong, in neither of these cases did the women say my choices were bad. But in my own mind, it seemed implied. Like I was “less” of a mom because I made a different choice. Ever been there?
I’m pretty sure you have at some point. It could be over any number of topics – how you discipline, working outside the home, what you feed your kids, whether or not you homeschool – whatever.
So my natural reaction was to defend my choices (in my mind, of course). To start listing all the reasons why my choice is the right one. And I think this is what starts the “mommy wars” – you know, the historical “taking sides” on issues like working outside the home.
But after I thought and thought about this, I decided maybe I needed to step back and see what lessons I could learn instead. Not only what lessons I could learn from these moms in order to become a better mom, but also what lessons I could learn in communicating / responding to moms who have made different choices.
Each of us want to be the best mom we possibly can. No one wants to feel judged, and I certainly don’t ever want to make another mom feel “less” because of her choices.
So here are my tips to go on the offensive against automatically being defensive when discussing mothering issues with a mom who may not have made the same choice as you:
- First recognize God’s sovereignty. Isn’t it possible that both mothering choices, in whatever context, can be “right”? After all, our families are different. We are different. And if God can make everyone completely unique, can’t he make our choices completely unique, and yet right for us? Acknowledge that although you may feel strongly about something, God does not lead us all down the same paths. What is right for me may not be right for her and vice versa.
- Analyze why I’m defensive. I need to ask myself whether or not my choice was in fact God’s will for me and my family at that time. If I made the choice without consulting Him, it’s very possible I could have made the wrong choice – and maybe that’s why I’m feeling defensive. On the other hand, if I’m certain it was God’s will for me, then the defensiveness is just a knee-jerk reaction and I need to move on. (Don’t know if it was God’s will for you? Just ask Him – and be persistent in asking!) Then I need to ask God if the choice I made is STILL His will for me and my family NOW. I think God can lead us in different directions at different times in our lives. What may be right for our families now may not be right next year. Things change and God will reveal that to us if we remember to acknowledge Him.
- Keep an open mind. Instead of feeling defensive about something and totally dismissing it, consider whether or not I might learn something from this other mom. Can I improve my own mothering by taking some tips from her? I strongly believe that God puts women in our lives that we can learn from. For example, maybe she doesn’t believe in spanking, but you do. She probably isn’t going to change your mind, but is there a different discipline technique that she uses successfully that you could add to your repertoire?
- Be careful about what I say and how I say it. If we say “my way is the right way” and don’t acknowledge God’s sovereignty in her life, we are removing any chance of learning from one another. My rule for myself – particularly when I talk about my choice to stay home with my kids – is to offer my story ONLY when asked specifically for it or when the woman I’m talking to has expressed that she is feeling confused in that area and I think my story might help.
So that’s what I’ve come up with. I think I can boil it down to this: remember God is in control, be sure I’m following Him, be gracious, and be open to learning!
If anyone else has tips, I’d love to hear them!
What a privilege…
I know, I know, I missed my Tuesday tip. Oh well. I had more important things going on!
Last night was our last MOPS meeting of the year and it was so great. I am so grateful to my steering team, who are so dedicated and who put so much work into making everything look fabulous and go smoothly. I am grateful to our mentors who faithfully pray for all the moms, and also for me and our steering team. I am grateful for our moppets volunteers who faithfully give of their time to watch children, so that “every” mom has the opportunity to come to MOPS.
Last night I shared with the moms about my own ups and downs in the adventure of mothering. What a privilege to be a MOPS coordinator! I feel like I have a front-row seat to see how God is working in these mom’s lives. He nudged me several months ago and let me know that I needed to share my story. He gave me the words. I feel privileged and blessed to have been used by Him. Maybe I’ll even post at some point a (shorter) version of what I shared with the moms.
But right now, I just want to be praising Him for His presence, His provision, and the work He is doing in all of our MOPS moms.
Psalm 138:8 “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me – your love, Oh Lord, endures forever.”
TTAH Tuesday – Focus
My “Try This At Home” Tuesday tip today is straight from God’s word.
2 Chronicles 20:12
“…For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.”
A couple of years ago I paraphrased this verse for myself…
God, I have no power to face the huge responsibility of raising and disciplining these children of mine today. I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are upon you.
Maybe you’re having a bad day (or week). Can you write this verse into your own situation today??
God, I have no power to face
this illness
this difficult relationship
this grief over the loss of a loved one
this financial hardship
I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are upon you.
If you don’t know what to do, it’s okay! Keep your eyes on the One who is all-knowing, all-powerful, and has an everlasting love for you! He will give you wisdom and point you in the right direction.
Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path.
TTAH Tuesday – Preparing for Easter
What a glorious day Easter is! To think that God himself became a man… and then died a horrible death to pay for my sin. But Easter is that glorious day to celebrate the fact that Jesus, although He died, was raised from the dead. The Living God.
This tip is for those of you who, like me, want to give their children a better perspective on Easter – the truth – rather than just visions of baskets, bunnies, eggs, and candy.
Try these “Resurrection Rolls”…
1 package crescent rolls
8 large marshmallows
melted butter
sugar and cinnamon mix
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Give each child a triangle of crescent roll dough. This represents the cloth that Jesus was wrapped in. Give each child a marshmallow. This represents Jesus. Dip the marshmallow in the melted butter, which represents the embalming oil. Next, dip the marshmallow into the sugar and cinnamon mixture. This represents the spices used to anoint Jesus’ body. Tightly wrap the marshmallow inside the roll and be sure to seal it shut so that there are no openings. This represents the wrapping of Jesus’ body for burial after His death. Place rolls on an ungreased cookie sheet and put into the oven. The oven represents the tomb. Bake for approximately 10-12 minutes (pretend it’s been three days!).
Remove the rolls from the oven and allow them to cool slightly. Let the children open their rolls (the burial cloth) and discover that Jesus is no longer there! He is risen! You can let the children know that the sweet taste is a reminder of His sweet sacrifice for us!
Happy Easter!
a verse to think about
This verse has been on my mind since I read it Tuesday afternoon…
1 Corinthians 2:5
“…so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.”
It’s been making me think about what my faith rests on. And it’s been making me ask some tough questions of myself…
Do I rely on what other people tell me about myself rather than what God tells me about me?
Do I look for the solution to my problems in self-help books rather than in God’s word?
Am I believing the lies of society rather than standing on the promises of God in the bible?
Am I looking for hope in temporary things rather than in eternal things?
At times I’m sorry to say that the answer to these questions is yes. I look for affirmation from people instead of trying to see me as God sees me. I think that I can fix my own issues by reading another book. I try to satisfy the longings in my heart by buying more stuff, instead of seeking God and waiting on Him to provide what I need. I hope for kids that are well-behaved in front of other people rather than hoping for kids who know and love God. Sometimes I get distracted.
I am a firm believer that God speaks to us through His word and I think God’s speaking. He knows I need the nudging of the Holy Spirit to get me back on the right track sometimes. I truly desire that my faith rest not on things of this world, but on the creator of this world and His unlimited power.
How is God speaking to you this week?
Encouragement
Just a scripture verse I wanted to share that I’m thinking about today.
Romans 15:4
“Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.”
God inspired the writing of the Bible to teach me AND to give me hope. Thank you, God!
TTAH Tuesday – Have an Extra in the Car
Wow, when I wrote that title, so many things came to mind that I could write about today. As a mom, you know what I mean – everything from extra snacks, extra wipes, extra clothes (in case someone decides to throw up), extra diapers. Even here in snowy NY I’ve put candles, matches, and extra hats, gloves, scarves, and blankets in the car in case of a blizzard.
OK, OK, back to my point. I do have one, really.
My tip for you today is to keep an extra Bible in the car. I’ve had one in my van and I’ll never go anywhere without one again.
I spend a lot of time in the car (no, I’m not suggesting reading while you drive!). Mostly when I’m picking kids up from school. It’s a perfect time for me to absorb some more of God’s word. I’ve also taken my “extra” Bible into doctor’s offices, etc., to read while waiting. It really works out perfectly for me because I don’t have to “remember” it, it’s always in the car.
I firmly believe that we need to be reading God’s word regularly in order to have a close relationship with him, and that the Bible is God’s divine way of speaking to me. If you’re not sure about that, check out Psalm 119.
So put an extra Bible in your car and use it. See what God wants to teach you!
The Answers God Gives
It’s so amazing how God answers prayer. Last week I posted about my desire for contentment and my struggle with the urge to buy more, more, and more. (You can read the full post here.) I wrote in that post, “Today I’m thinking about how I can store up treasure for myself in heaven – how I can focus my energy on the eternal rather than the temporal. How I can re-train myself to focus on glorifying God rather than feeding my own selfishness.”
I was trying to brainstorm specific things I could do to become more content with what I have and to fill myself up with the things of God rather than the things of this world. I prayed that God would help me figure it out.
Two nights ago in my Bible reading I read these verses:
1 Timothy 6:17-19
“Command those who are rich with things of this world not to be proud. Tell them to hope in God, not in their uncertain riches. God richly gives us everything to enjoy. Tell the rich people to do good, to be rich in doing good deeds, to be generous and ready to share. By doing that, they will be saving a treasure for themselves as a strong foundation for the future. Then they will be able to have the life that is true life.”
The fact is, we in America are rich. And God answered my prayer by giving me a specific checklist to follow:
Am I doing good?
Am I rich in doing good deeds?
Am I generous?
Am I ready to share?
These are the ways I will store up treasures in heaven. This is how I want to live.
Thank you God for such a specific answer to prayer! How has God answered your prayers this week?
TTAH Tuesday – Daily Prayer
Sorry I kept you waiting so long for this post that I promised you last week!
I am discovering that daily prayer is vital to my emotional and spiritual health. And I don’t mean the “Lord, help me”, 2-second variety (although that’s certainly better than nothing.)
I’m talking about having a set time where I sit down and specifically purpose to talk to God for some length of time. I’ve posted before about how I keep my focus, and you can read that here. But today I want to encourage you to make daily prayer a priority in your life.
My day typically starts early – I get up before the kids, shower, get myself some coffee (this is critical) and breakfast and then get comfy on the couch to pray. This works really well during the school year. However, over the summer I didn’t do this. I felt like I needed a “break” and so I slept until the kids woke me. The consequence of this was that I had seldom had any uninterrupted prayer time over the summer. I had weeks where I didn’t pray at all (except for in church on Sundays). And I know my emotional and spiritual health suffered from it. I was prone to weeks (no, not just days) of discouragement. I was, frankly, hard to get along with. I struggled with being patient and loving with my children. My poor family! And I attribute it, at least some of it, to my inconsistent prayer life.
Let’s look at some verses:
Colossians 4:2 “Devote yourselves to prayer…”
Philippians 4:6-7 ”Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
Matthew 6:11 “Give us today our daily bread…”
Lamentations 3:22-23 “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Isaiah 33:6 “He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge.”
God is my firm foundation – my stability in a life that can become difficult overnight. Even in the Lord’s prayer, Jesus tells us to ask daily for what we need. And I know every day I need God’s mercy – a mercy that never ends and is fresh for me every morning. How can I not set aside time in my day to speak to Him who offers me a rich store of wisdom and knowledge??
So I challenge you to start a new habit – set aside time dailyfor prayer. And believe me, I know all the excuses because I’ve used them myself. Like I’m not a morning person, or I need my sleep, or there’s just not time. But I ask you to set aside those excuses for one week and block out time to talk to the creator of the heavens and earth – and the one anchor we have in this crazy life.
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
“I was reminded of the profound truth that prayer isn’t something I had to do, rather, prayer is something I get to do. I get to bring to God every worry and concern that is on my heart today.” ~ Hope MacDonald
feeling old
For many years now, I have continued to think of myself as just out of college and starting out in life. Well, I turned 35 this year and I’ve realized now that I’m just kidding myself.
Here’s 5 things that have been making me feel older recently:
- We went to a wedding a month or so ago. This was the first wedding we’d been to where our friends were not the ones getting married – they were the parents of the bride!!
- The Olympics. If I’d started having kids earlier, many of the youngest olympians could be my own children!
- My daughter’s 2nd grade teacher is younger than me. Way younger.
- We were watching some news about the republican party, and the reporter was interviewing people to determine if the younger generation of republicans felt out of touch with John McCain because of his age (or vice versa). My first thought was “That’s ridiculous – I don’t feel out of touch with his campaign.” And then it hit me that I probably don’t exactly fall into the demographic they were talking about.
- And last but not least, there was a time when I thought my mom’s lack of bladder control when sneezing was funny. Let’s just say I don’t think it’s too funny anymore.
So, needless to say, I’m not going to go around with a false view of myself anymore. I am a 35 year old woman who loves God and loves her awesome family and I’m proud of it!
Even cooler than that is the fact that this verse was in my devotional reading last night, after I’d been thinking about the subject of this post all day. Sometimes it amazes me how God knows and cares about every little detail of our lives, and is willing to speak to us about it if we’re listening:
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day. We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory that is much greater than the troubles. We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.”
So it doesn’t really matter that I’m feeling older. What matters is the fact that I have been set free from my sins and have the hope of eternal life through Jesus Christ. He renews my spirit day by day when I’m faithful in praying and studying the Bible. And He’s got work for me to do while I’m here (Ephesians 2:10) – and that’s a great reason to forget about how I’m feeling!
How are you feeling today??
