Survival Tips, Part 2
OK. I guess I’ve taken long enough to post part 2, huh?
This post isn’t so much survival tips, but about changing perspective when dealing with your stressaholic spouse. I just finished a book called “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn. It includes things the author found out about men through a national survey and personal interviews. If you feel like you don’t understand your man, then this book is for you.
I definitely found a couple of things in there that amounted to “aha” moments for me. There’s a chapter in it titled “The Loneliest Burden: How His Need to Provide Weighs Your Man Down, and Why He Likes It That Way.”
Here’s my takeaways (and quotes) from this chapter. They are changing my perspective on why my husband works so much, and maybe they’ll be helpful to you, too!
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The majority of men feel a compelling need to provide for their families. “Providing is at the core of a man’s identity… In other words, being the provider isn’t just a burden, but a highly desirable goal.”
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Providing is a primary way that men say “I love you.” “It’s ironic that we may complain about our man’s work habits, not realizing that he thinks he is saying “I love you” – and we are complaining about it! This dynamic is both confusing and distressing for men.”
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Providing accompanies his need to succeed, but also carries an ongoing risk of failure. The majority of the men in the survey, when asked about the reasons why they might work long hours, answered that if they didn’t, they would let their family and/or the organization down. ”The vast majority of men who put in long hours do so not just because they want to get ahead, but because they believe, as several men told me, “there is no other option.”" An earlier chapter in the book dealt with the fear of failure that most men wrestle with – and so because they don’t want to fail at providing, they are compelled to do what they can to prevent that.
I’ll admit to you that there have been times (yes, several) when I’ve felt my husband works long hours because of one or more of the following reasons – maybe he likes being there more than being at home, maybe he wants to avoid the chaos of a home filled with young children, and bottom line, that maybe he thinks work is more important than us. Now don’t get me wrong, he is a great husband and dad, and I know he loves us – but this has been a touchy subject for us.
But the information I found in this book is showing me that it’s very likely he just feels like there is no other option. That he feels if he wants to provide for us, he needs to work this hard.
So now, the big question is, how will I respond? Maybe I’ll save that for another post… 
Is this something you struggle with? How have you dealt with it in your marriage?
Thank You Jesus!
Easter is such a special time of year. It is a time for us to celebrate the awesome sacrifice that Jesus made for us, and the everlasting love, grace, and mercy of our heavenly father. Oh, the glorious hope of the resurrection that offers us eternal life!
The following account from the gospel of Matthew (27:11-16) always convicts me:
Jesus Before Pilate
11Meanwhile Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, “Are you the king of the Jews?”
”Yes, it is as you say,” Jesus replied. 12When he was accused by the chief priests and the elders, he gave no answer. 13Then Pilate asked him, “Don’t you hear the testimony they are bringing against you?” 14But Jesus made no reply, not even to a single charge—to the great amazement of the governor.
15Now it was the governor’s custom at the Feast to release a prisoner chosen by the crowd. 16At that time they had a notorious prisoner, called Barabbas. 17So when the crowd had gathered, Pilate asked them, “Which one do you want me to release to you: Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?” 18For he knew it was out of envy that they had handed Jesus over to him.
19While Pilate was sitting on the judge’s seat, his wife sent him this message: “Don’t have anything to do with that innocent man, for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him.”
20But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and to have Jesus executed.
21“Which of the two do you want me to release to you?” asked the governor.
”Barabbas,” they answered.
22“What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ?” Pilate asked.
They all answered, “Crucify him!”
23“Why? What crime has he committed?” asked Pilate.
But they shouted all the louder, “Crucify him!”
24When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. “I am innocent of this man’s blood,” he said. “It is your responsibility!”
25All the people answered, “Let his blood be on us and on our children!”
26Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.
Did you ever think about the fact that Jesus’ crucifixion saved Barabbas? Barabbas, even though he was a criminal, was saved that day – he was allowed to live. Every time I read this account I remember that I am Barabbas. You are Barabbas. As the Bible says in Romans 3:23, we are all sinners who fall short of the glory of God. We all deserve punishment. Yet Jesus was crucified in our place. And we, if we accept Jesus as our Savior, can go free. We can have eternal life.
Oh, the glorious hope of the resurrection! Thank you Jesus!
Survival Tips, Part 1
I’ve been reading a book I picked up in our MOPS library. (I read a lot, and I read this one so fast it didn’t even make it onto my list at the right!) Anyways, it’s “What’s a Smart Woman Like You Doing in a Place Like This” by Dr. Mary Ann Froehlich. I’d highly recommend it to any woman who once considered herself a “career woman” and now finds herself as a stay-at-home-mom.
One chapter really caught my attention – it was titled Avoiding the Stressaholic Syndrome. She defines a stressaholic as someone who is addicted to stress, who cannot stop, who feels a constant need to be productive, and pushes him/herself far beyond what what any human being should be expected to accomplish. It talked about both avoiding it in yourself, and how to deal with it in your spouse.
I am married to a stressaholic (Dave, if you’re reading this, sorry to break it to you this way!). He works. A lot. Even at home, after having spent 12 or more hours at work already. I have struggled with this quite a bit.
This book has some really great survival tips for living with an overstressed spouse. Here they are (any italics you see are mine that I’ve added for emphasis):
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You must be committed 100 percent to the relationship (50/50 may be fair but it’s not biblical).
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You cannot change your spouse. Do not add to his pressures by trying. Accept him unconditionally.
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Do not spend what little time you have together arguing about the time you don’t have with him.
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Plan family tradition times he won’t want to miss. If he can’t come home, take the party to him. For example, take a picnic to his office or meet him for dinner.
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Eliminate chores and other stresses around the house for him so that he can spend time at home with the children.
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Consistently remind your children of their good memories of their dad when he is out of town or working late at night. Communicate to them how much he loves them. Keep him part of the family when he’s absent. Expressing your frustrations to your children will only hurt your children.
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To fight your loneliness, develop an informal support group of wives in the same situation. Meet for dinner with your children.
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Communicate openly (not critically) about your feelings. Being the “silent martyr” can make for peace on the homefront, but it has disastrous results on a relationship.
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Continue your relationship by sending your husband cards or other surprises. Initiate planning times to spend as a couple. Work at being a part of his life despite his schedule.
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Develop your own professional specialization to constructively fill up lonely hours and not depend on or pressure your husband to meet all your human self-esteem needs.
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Be involved in your husband’s activities when possible, but do not fall into the same stressaholic patterns. Encourage his interests which can include the whole family.
Yikes – several of these tips really challenge me. However, I do think they’ll be helpful to me, and maybe to you as well. The first one – about the idea of 50/50 not being biblical is huge. I think if I could remember and really take this one to heart, the rest would be simple.
Come back soon to read part 2 of this post!
Are either you or your spouse a stressaholic? How do you deal with it in your own life?
DO try this at home!
Two days ago the kids and I made ice cream. It was so easy and lots of fun. I was surprised at how simple it was to make and how yummy it was.
Click here for instructions. This website has lots of other fun activities for kids.
Have fun and enjoy the delicious treat!
Cleaning out the junk
Hi everybody! It feels like forever since I’ve posted anything. We’ve had a busy couple of weeks, including one child with bronchitis, two with strep throat, 4 doctor’s appointments, a hubby in China for 6 days, shopping for a new car, going to an open house, etc., etc.
And, my latest creative project… cleaning out, reorganizing, and redecorating our study. Our study is the room in our house that collects all the junk. All the stuff we don’t know what to do with. All the stuff we know needs to be taken care of but don’t have the time for right now. So, it is usually always, a disaster. A friend of mine who has much more decorating skill than me, in the most diplomatic way possible, told me that if we want to sell our house I needed to clean this room. She didn’t say it like that, and believe me, I wasn’t offended. She was right.
So while my husband was gone, I used the time after the kids went to bed to go through all the piles. I threw out the garbage, made a garage sale pile, made a pile to go to salvation army, and filed all the papers that needed to be filed. I moved stuff around. I moved one desk out of the room (there were two – one for me and one for my husband), bought a new chair and lamp, and cleaned. I wanted to have it all done before he came back from his trip, but unfortunately there were a couple of things I needed his help with. But all in all, it looks great. And it makes me feel better. A few weeks ago I was completely overwhelmed by the mess in this room. Every time I looked at it I felt kind of paralyzed – like I didn’t want to do anything about it because it was too big to handle. But now I feel more organized, lighter, happier. I feel productive and ready to work on another project.
You know what, the mess in that room was weighing me down and choking me. Now I’m going to make an analogy. Stick with me on this.
I recently read again Jesus’ parable in Luke 8:1-15. Verse 14 has stuck with me: “The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature.”
In this parable, the seed is the word of God.
Do you have any part of your life that collects junk (or is junk)? Is it weighing you down spiritually and making you stagnate? Are you pursuing the wrong things? Are you choking out the good and godly things God has for you by worrying about life, riches, and pleasures? I know there are times in my life that I have focused on these things and have not completely trusted in God to provide them for me. At those times I’ve been weighed down – choked by the pressures of life.
How would we feel if we cleaned up those areas of our lives? If we spent some time and effort to first surrender to God, then to clean, reorganize, reprioritize, and make room for new (God’s?) stuff? I’m pretty sure we’d feel lighter, more joyful, more peaceful, and just plain better. We’d probably be ready to take on the next of God’s assignments for us.
Your turn: Do you have any cleaning projects you need to tackle? Spiritual or otherwise?
Random thoughts
A couple of thoughts for today…
A quote from a devotional I’m reading, in reference to Philippians 4:4-9 :
“I was reminded of the profound truth that prayer isn’t something I had to do, rather, prayer is something I get to do. I get to bring to God every worry and concern that is on my heart today.” ~ Hope MacDonald
Wow, isn’t that an awesome truth?
And something more ordinary from me:
I was reminded today of the profound truth that a one-year old can empty a laundry basket full of clean clothes faster than I can fold them. Believe me, I know.
It’s March Already?
WARNING: This post is going to contain a lot of rambling, so if you’re not in the mood, come back another time!
I can’t believe it’s March already. It’s the month we’d talked about putting our house back up for sale. Ugh.
In July of 2006, we put our house on the market. We waited. And waited. And waited. In October of 2007 we finally gave up.
In those 15 months we also looked at house after house. We found our dream house. And then we lost it because we couldn’t sell ours fast enough. That happened twice – with the same “dream house”.
I still want to move. Our house is good size for us, and has fit us pretty well, but it sits on a lot the size of a postage stamp. Okay, I’m exaggerating. But it’s tiny, and definitely not big enough for three kids.
However, the thought of trying to sell it again overwhelms and exhausts me. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you might remember that I’m not a neat freak. And therefore I have a lot of cleaning to do before our house is ready to show. Ugh. Then maintaining it to be ready to show within 24 hours…ugh.
And finding the right house – now that’s an exciting thought, although finding time to look is hard. I always have to keep in mind that what we want, what we need, and what we can afford can be three VERY different things. I’d like 4 bedrooms, at least 1 1/2 baths, a big yard, a bigger bedroom that I have now, and an eat-in kitchen. And an entryway that fits more than 2 people at a time (if you’ve been to my house, you know what I’m talking about). But can we find something that fits those criteria, that we can afford? That’s the hard part.
I’m always second-guessing myself… and God… in this matter. Why can’t we sell our house? Did I not get it clean enough? Is God trying to send me a message that I already have what I need (although it’s not what I want)? What is God trying to teach me in the waiting? Am I over-obsessing about this house hunting – making it an idol in my life? Is God trying to teach me not to be so harsh with my family when I’m trying to clean the house to show it (believe me, this lesson is a hard one for me!).
Thanks for sticking with me through my rambling… sometimes just writing about it helps me process the whole thing. I’m just praying that I will lean on God through this and that He will make His will clear to us through the process.
Is there anything you feel like rambling about these days?
What did I just say?
Yesterday I said something really dumb to my kids.
I said “You can’t all need me at once!”
I didn’t say it half jokingly, like “You can’t [possibly] all need me at once.” ha, ha
I said it as a reprimand, like “don’t even think about asking me for something because I’m too busy!”
I was cleaning paint stains off Lyndsay’s *new* shirt, Derek had asked me for a drink, Allison was started to cry to get my attention, and Lyndsay was about to ask me to get her something, too. And those words slipped out.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed by everyone needing something from me. All day long. And sometimes my own selfishness amazes me! The cold, hard, truth about being a mom is that a lot of the time, all three kids can and will need me all at once.
So today I’m trying to remember the huge blessing these children are to me and that this season of life will be gone before I know it.
Yesterday afternoon I asked Lyndsay and Derek what I’ll do next year when they are both in school. Lyndsay replied that I’d be busy playing with Ally. And she’s probably right. But then she added, “And after Ally goes to school, then you can take naps.”
Amen to that!
Have you ever been surprised by the words that have come out of your mouth? If you feel like it, share a recent example!
One year!
My youngest will be one year old on Friday! I am so amazed by the exponential development that occurs in the first year of life! All the growth, each milestone is so precious.
We had her first birthday party this past Saturday – here is the birthday girl’s reaction to her cake…
Ally spent 6 weeks in intensive care when she was born. I think it was, emotionally, the most difficult 6 weeks I’ve ever had. So, in honor of the one-year anniversary of that tough time, I thought I’d make a list of what I learned. I definitely believe that times of struggle make us stronger in our faith.
So here’s my list. Some apply directly to having a child in ICU, but some can be applied in any tough situation:
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Sometimes you have to keep asking questions to encourage doctors/nurses to keep investigating. On the other hand, don’t allow other people to make you feel like you aren’t doing enough for your baby!
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If you have a baby in intensive care and other kids at home, you will probably feel guilty that you’re not with your baby at the hospital every minute. But remember that ALL your kids need you… and frankly, sometimes you need a break from the sights, sounds, smells, and stress of the ICU.
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Life does not stop outside the ICU… even though you might want it to! Other kids go back to school, husbands need to go back to work… you have to realize this and adjust.
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Pray for your baby. Sometimes you feel like there’s nothing you can do for your baby… but you can pray! This applies to your kids regardless of where they are or how old they are. Sometimes you feel like there’s nothing you can do to help them in a particular situation… but you can pray!
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Accept offers of help from other people. You need it.
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Let God use you in whatever way he sees fit, even when you are struggling. It may be that you are in just the right place at the right time to help someone else.
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Some days I felt hopeless – it seemed like more bad news day after day. I needed to share these feelings with my husband and pour them out to God. Don’t run away from God, He is your ultimate source of strength and hope. We are never without hope because we are never without God!
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No matter how tough it is, keep believing that though life is hard, God is good. There is always something to be learned from struggle.
To finish off the story for those of you who might not know… Ally was born without a thyroid gland… a condition called thyroid agenesis, and will be on a medication to replace the thyroid hormone for the rest of her life. In those first 6 weeks, that condition was complicated by severe reflux, causing her to not eat well. Once they got all of it figured out, she was sent home and has been doing well ever since.
I thank God every day for her (and my two other children) and the blessing they are to me!
